The marvelous act of asking your way

“Why does it take 20,000,000 sperms to fertilize a single human egg?”

—   Because not one of them will stop to ask directions!

Yesterday I was on a waterfall hunting expedition with three friends, Tina, Tom, and Mark.  Tom was driving. We were trying to find Deadman’s Falls near Georgetown, OH.  We cruised up and down route 132 hunting for what we thought was the right road that would lead to the field we’d have to cross.  Finally, we turned into a road with a sign for a winery.  We needed to ask for directions – yet even when we saw a fellow standing out by his mailbox, Tom had to be bludgeoned into turning around and asking him the way.

The fellow turned out to be a very nice and friendly farmer, and he gave us good directions.  Definitely a twinkle in his eye!

This small incident prompted a conversation and some reflection about the difficulty so many of us – especially men – seem to have in asking for directions.  The little joke at the top of the page wouldn’t be funny if it weren’t a truth universally acknowledge among women that a man – whether or not possessed of a fortune – really hates to ask directions.  But it isn’t just men, though there may be a bias towards men.

Somewhere out there must be a PhD dissertation on this topic, but I haven’t seen it. So I’ll wonder.   Are men more reluctant to ask other men for directions?  Do women cozy up to other women but shun the gents when it comes to asking the way? Or is the other way round? Is this reluctance to ask cultural, geographical, age-related, or genetic? Or is it simply a reluctance to admit one’s vulnerability in seeking help from strangers?

My guess is that the last explanation is most at play and applies more to men than to women but doesn’t exclude either gender. When we stop someone to ask them the way, we may tell ourselves lots of stories:

—   There’s something wrong with me that I can’t find the way, and I’ll look bad if is ask

—   It’s bad manners to invade someone else’s space, and I don’t want to be rude

—   what if this guy is hostile?  He could get mad at me for bothering him!

—   What if this guy’s hostile, and shines me on with WRONG directions, just to be mean?

—   What if he thinks I’m trying to sell him something?

—   Maybe there are dogs in the back yard!

—   This place is run down.  What if there’s a meth lab in the back yard? (Not unheard of in rural Southwest Ohio!)

Of course, if it’s New York City, New Jersey, Khabul or Cartagena, any of these stories might be true — even all of them at the same time!  But most likely, even in those places, none of them is true, or only rarely true.

If you stop to examine your feelings (not a very guy thing to do), you’ll probably see you have some connection to these stories. Or perhaps you have one all your own that blocks you from asking for directions.

In fact – and here’s a secret for travel – most places, people are DELIGHTED to be asked for help, and will offer it gladly when you do. I’ve had incredible offers of help in France, Alaska, Canada, Mexico, Nova Scotia, Arkansas, and – yes – Manhattan (New York, not Kansas).  And I STILL don’t like asking directions, but I do it – and am usually rewarded for it.

You see, when you ask for directions (or other help), you are making yourself vulnerable, opening yourself wide open as a flawed human being who doesn’t know absolutely everything.  When you do that, you instantly cease to be a threat or challenge to the person you’ve approached.  Instead, you awake feelings of generosity that can run to amazing lengths – such as the person who not only gave me directions to an out-of the-way site, but led me there.  Or the old man in France who actually took a traveler’s check from my 17-year old self so that I could get something to eat – it was a religious holiday and no banks or stores in the village were open.

Put yourself in the position of being the one asked for help.  What feelings race through you?  And if you provide the help, how does that make you feel?  (The answer, just in case you’ve never actually helped a stranger, is YOU FEEL TERRIFIC.)

Sometimes an act as simple as asking (or giving) directions can lead to genuine friendships that can last for years and years.  You may wind up meeting new people and learning lots that you didn’t know about the place you’re in, the things you might never have known.

On my two month trip to Alaska, I made a conscious decision to talk to strangers.  Now up there, that’s not so hard to do, because eye contact is not a forgotten art as it is in more densely packed urban centers.  An in these random conversations, I’d always ask one question – “You’ve been a terrific help.  Now on my travels, who else should I talk to?”  Amazing!  That simple question connected me (or at least gave me entrée) over hundreds of miles and wound up providing riches untold.

Asking directions is a conscious decision. You have to actually choose to do it.

The trick in freeing yourself up to ask directions is being aware of how silly are most of the things that hold you back. It’s easier if you actually ask yourself, “how true are these stories I’ve been telling myself? What’s the worst thing that could happen, and how likely is it to occur?”

We may not like asking strangers for help, even just asking for directions.  But in the act of asking for help, we are actually doing the stranger a great service – we are validating them for their possible kindness, their knowledge, and their experience.  What a gift to offer to anyone – and how rarely will it be turned down.

That is the great secret and marvelous blessing of asking your way – it’s really a two-way street.  So, stop the car, get out of it, and approach that guy leaning on the mailbox.  It’s an act of kindness and a true adventure!